gipsys musings

musings on writing and pop culture

Who I Am And What To Do About It

I made an appointment with my GP for my yearly physical and I’m going to ask him what he would recommend for me to quit smoking since I’m on such a multitude of medications currently, and I’d rather not add another one to the mix if I can possibly help it.

Therapy was interesting last night, again. Again, N. is making me really look at myself and try to sort out who I am, without the stress of the bipolar taking center stage. I’m bipolar, but that’s just a label, it doesn’t have to be all that I am. I’m also a mother, a girlfriend, a designer, a writer, a singer… so many other things that really don’t have anything to do with my disease. Sorting out what I want to do with myself and my life has proved to be a bit harder. N. is really supportive of me quitting, and he thinks that this is a step in removing myself from not being in control of my own life. Bipolars (most, not all) tend to fall into a cliche kind of pattern (read: rut) because that’s the only way that we can deal with the shit that’s going on around us. I got into the habit of putting on a face for whoever I was speaking to, changing everything about myself that I could depending on who I was talking to at the time. I still do this, don’t get me wrong… but I’m loosening up, and trying to slowly show myself, warts and all instead of what I think the person that I’m talking to wants to see. Without the medication, I don’t think that this would be possible at all, so for that, I’m thankful. I’m not fond of the idea of being on meds for the rest of my life, but if that’s what it takes for me to be able to function, I’ll do it.

I wonder sometimes how Elizabeth will react, knowing that her mother has a problem, and knowing that she has a chance of being bipolar also. That scares the hell out of me, knowing that I could have passed this disease to her, and hoping that she’ll understand that I can be there for her if she does end up with it.

Ugh, I didn’t mean for this to turn out to be a sappy post… I think I need to lighten this up. Anyone got a good meme?